FEMALE - LORRAINE

LORRAINE
Lorraine, a former battered wife, tells of the violence triggered by an incident of infidelity and of lingering psychological scars.
I don't know why I did it. I was bored, I guess. Or maybe I needed to get caught. Who knows. (A long pause.)

I met Sam after work, and we started drinking, and one thing led to another. The next thing I know I'm loaded, and I wake up at one in the morning in his apartment. I called Karen and told her what had happened and asked her if Steve had called. When she said he hadn't, I asked her to cover for me. Then I called Steve and told him I was at Karen's, that I'd gotten drunk and decided to spend the night in the city at her place.

He never bought it. The next day, he inquired around and found out that I'd gotten smashed with Sam at Landsdale's. I knew he knew that evening. He didn't say anything, but he didn't have to, it was in his face. He had that sullen, cold look people get when they detest you. Then he came at me. It. ... (It's painful to recall.) It was terrible.

It took fourteen stitches to close up my cheek. Afterwards, he was remorseful and guilty and tried to make it up to me. But it was over. Something like that ends it. And he knew it. But he still had the rage. He was still burning inside because he couldn't get it out of his mind about Sam.

The second time it happened, we were at the dinner table. It started with him questioning me about Sam, and then, alluva sudden, he jumped up and started beating me. He beat me until I passed out. When I woke up later in the hospital, they told me I had multiple contusions and a shattered jawbone. It was a nightmare. After I was released, I got a restraining order and moved upstate.

It's all over between us, but I'm still not the same. I can't stand the thought of a man touching me.
I'm working on the problem. I'm in therapy. And gradually, I'm coming around, becoming more trusting. Hopefully, one day soon, I'll be able to love again.